I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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