At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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