Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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