Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
