Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He has the fingertips of a God
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