first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
