she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
