You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
