Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
