I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
