Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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