i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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