you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
