Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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