his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
