I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
