if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
