Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
