Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
