Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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