ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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