im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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