my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
