i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
