I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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