I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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