I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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