So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
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I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
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I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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