I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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