and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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