I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
