found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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