The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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