Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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