You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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