i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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