saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
