I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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