Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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