i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
