Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
