Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You took a bar mat shot.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
