I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
