His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I supernannyed him into submission
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
