There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
