My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
