I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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