and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
