On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
