so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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