If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
