Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
