Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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