my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
