My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
